Its been.. what.. 5 months of not working.. today i wake early to have breakfast with B. After he left for work, I sat at the hawker centre and stared into space for 5 mins - feeling like a bum.
I am not sure how B can do it last time.
These days, I sleep till about noon everyday so that the day seem shorter. Everyday I wish I had done more productive things earlier, like travel, attend courses, now i just convinced myself everyday its too late.
I should have started the job hunt earlier.
I am not sure if its my experience? Or is it my asking salary? I mean I only had a couple of interview.
Even the recent one I went to with high confidence, I have been waiting to hear back. I feel defeated by the day. I feel useless, I feel broke, not that the compensation is all gone, but a big portion of it I have set aside like I have strike a mini lottery.
Only when I am drinking, listening to music, I feel calm. But most of the time, I feel lost. I keep asking myself what if this is it? Maybe I will end up being a useless bum, or maybe I will just accept any jobs and waste my life away. What if..
I feel desperate, hopeless.
Half of my friends know I am out of job, the other half doesnt.
I feel a mixture of wanting to go out to keep myself busy, the other half of me hate the socializing because everyone is seemingly interested about my glam job. I think most of the time I still prefer to go out though, as long as I can evade the topic.
Maybe I just think too highly of myself. Whenever I talk to recruiters, I feel they look down on my experience and achievements.
I hope I hear something by today. I need to get my life back on track. Into the rat race. To feel the work stress and fatigue everyone is talking about. I cant do this anymore - not doing anything.
