i wonder if i could finish this entry.

ironically i didnt want to blog only on unhappy things and had wanted to pen down smth last weekend.

it shd start smthing like "I m so happy that i finally got my driving license!!"

 Followed by how good my rship currently is with B.

Well, i guess i dont have the urge to blog about happy stuff as much as unhappy stuff.

so yes, this time round, i will still blog about unhappy stuff.

---

Let me start with work.

Work has been hell. But i guess the worst is over last week. I can sense it during the birthday celebration for my boss today. Everyone was just light hearted and planning for xmas.

i hate xmas and new year. i dunno why.

i mean, i love the days leading to xmas and new year. the xmas deco, the atmosphere when u walk in town. i just hate the eves.

why?

if u have a permanent group of pple u celebrate with every year, congrats to u.

u prob wont understand the agony of trying to book people you want to spend with (but they are most prob book way in advance) or being book by people u don really want to spend with.

not only that, there are so limited things u can do! clubbing is crazy packed.and if you are not clubbing, but just out in town, the agony of being stranded year after year by the roadside cos cabs are all booked and network are all jammed up. its really not joke.

if i could, i would want to spend xmas overseas as much as possible.

or, my idea of spending xmas eve will be smthing like, having a house party, booze, games, watch movie or play mahjong or poker till morning, then we can all take public tpt home. i will organise one next time when i have my own house. right now, my house is too small and old and i don tink my parents would like that idea.

of cos for the past two years, i am glad kaelyn always try to involve me in the year end parties. so i no longer hate xmas and nye that much anymore.

and few weeks prior to xmas, its my birthday.

this year i m totally clueless about what i wanan do for my bday because there just seems to be not enough time and budget.

mom's 60th birthday is in 2 weeks and i need to spend about 1k for dinner + present.

i tink i have never been so bz for consecutively for 2 months before. time just flies.

this weekend will be Jas's hen's night which i totally don feel like going, following my mom's bday.

then KL. then my birthday already.

its so fast, i m even scared to think about it. Not sure if i even have the time to go to USS as originally planned.

And worst of all, Jas's wedding falls on my birthday weekend. I kinda regret agreeing to be her bridesmaid.

Kinda lost the freedom to plan for my birthday.

But then again, i dont really know what i want to do. Maybe it will just be a quiet one.

--

so i was saying rship has been going well of late.

until i jinxed it ytd when ling asked me about us.

i can understand he say hurtful things when hes frustrated, angry, emo, but when i m affected and upset by the things he say, he shd understand too.

its not the first time he lost his temper at me because he lost money or because he promised to do smthing but didnt do it, and when i confront him he gets angry at me.

defensive and say things that hurts me.

and every time i will just let it go the next day if he text me and try to make up.

maybe this time i shd let him understand that he shd be responsible for what he said.

maybe just this time, i wish to save some pride for myself.

to tell him that i m not a push over. that he can say things when hes angry and upset, things that he didnt mean, and get away with it. just because i love him.

--

same for my best fren who has been giving me alot of nonsense.

one that i have always cared about but always think that i dont.

questioning why i never have time for her, when i have time for everyone else.

when she was still a hard core party girl, she alwayts hang out with her gang and didnt have time for me either. it was perpetually the case that every weekend she will be partying and when i needed her she wasnt there.

so why suddenly questioning me why i didnt have time for her.

i was genuinely bz for 2 months. i worked till wee hours.

i rebutted her confrontations twice.

maybe i was sensitive and over reacted. maybe she just wish to spend more time w me.

but to question about my concern for her, when i stayed up at 5 am in the morning to talk to her the first time i know she broke up with her bf. wth??

i even checked on her the next day if theres anything i can do for her. and she didnt say she needed me.

and then shes upset that i had a separate session together with ling and just left the chatroom.

her accusational tone in texts, seems to imply that we shd all forego our lifes and be at her service when shes heart broken.

that we shd keep checking on her (which i did) and ask her out so that she feel the love.

i mean wth. other than wth, i dunno what else to say.

for so many years i have known her, we have always been there for her.

but it seems like we must behave the exact same way she want us to behave to prove to her that we care about her.

i remembered i was partying at zouk when she texted me saying that she had a huge fight w kei and she wanted to commit suicide. i remembered i was so worried and my phone batt was dying, i called mery in indo immediately so she could check on her in case my phone dies.

only for her to tell me in the following up conversation the next day that, i shouldnt say bad things about the rship because she dont want any more negativity in her life and ask me to "hold my horses". i interpret it as, shut up and keep ur opinion to urself.

is that what i get for caring about u? am i being appreciated?

everyone who knows about this asks me, "why are u so nice to her and let her bully u"

because we have been frens for so many years. i dont want to leave her alone.

but her demands and constant complaints and suspicions and the rest of her crazy acts is slowly pushing me to my limit.

it starts to affect my day.

make my stressful days worst.

this isnt the stella i used to know.

the stella i used to know is kind, understanding and sensitive.

why do i feel like i have another bf that i have to answer to?

questions like, i cant believe u went out without me, why do u only have time for others but not me.

and of all the things i have listed above, the one that pisses me off is, she reply my texts selectively, but yet she will complain when we dont reply to ALL her msgs.

i didnt imagine that, in fact, i scrolled thru our recent convos and shes the one who is always not replying.

i m so tempted to screenshot those convos and show her that "LOOK, whos the one w no love?"

so i told mery to talk to her cos i m tired of explaining to her, coaxing her.

and guess wat? she apologised to mery. and started pouring her woes to her.

maybe weiling is right, i m too soft hearted she know i wont leave her, but she is afraid that she loses mery.

she have never apologised to me after confrontations, after me telling her off that whatever she think is not true.

never.


why am i sucha push over to my bf and my best fren?

i feel very sad for myself.

is it just because i m nice and soft hearted so no one is afraid to lose me?


or its just ok to lose me.

i feel sad saying this, but after all these dramas, i tink i m ready to let go of this friendship. i mean, i wont try so much to please her like before.

she can continue believing that i dont care about her, because now, i really dont care what she thinks anymore. I tried, but she pushed me away.

maybe the long friendship can survive the ordeal, but i know this wont be the same anymore.