i decided to face up to my feelings and made the decision to be in a rship tt i never thought i will be in again..all because D have convinced me with his high profile relationship w his new girl that he totally cant be bothered w me anymore.

i tot everything was finally over. he moved on in speed of light. i dunno how he did tt. but he did. and i tot whatever tt is going on in my life has nothing more to do w him. so i did move on like he forced me to.

apparently i was wrong.

i dunno why does it still bothers him that i have officially started a rship w ben.

i know most pple ard think its like such a wrong choice to go back to him. right now i really dunno. its prob not the brightest choice of all. but all i noe is, when i almost died and this so called "bastard" in everyone's eyes was there and rescued me from whatever. and is still around.

whereas when i was hurting so much. D ignored my pleas to talk. and only thing he kept saying was move on & move on. yes, i m the one who call off the whole thing, but dont i have the right to mourn? or to feel hurt?

i, too, am human. i have feelings. its like losing someone very close to me. and the treatment he gave me makes it worst. which leads to me backing out of joyce's wedding.

during this period, needless to say, ben puts in a lot of effort in making me happy & feel special. i noe its honeymoon stage, but, i really don tink i shd just deny him of any chance. at least he don sit back and watch when theres problem. we talk alot and are constantly tinking of ways to avoid gg back to the same route before.

like last time, whenever i told D we have problems. he will just tell me what is the ideal situation. but he nv give me solutions. .

after the split, in all possible ways i tot abt his feelings. i protected him as much as i can. i nv wanted to put him into a position whereby someone came asking him "eh, ur ex fiance have a new bf ah.." so i dare not face up to what ben have for me and kept everything low profile.

i kept asking hw he was coping but he never ever once ask me if i was ok. never.

he just totally shut me out. how the fark can i attend his best friend's wedding like tt. i respected his friends and didnt want to bring any negative vibes to affect anyone. i dunno if tt will happen, but i really don wanna risk pple's big day. and don farking use me as an excuse to bring tt girl to the wedding. cos i back out of the wedding for a reason, as much as i wanted to be there.

but now i am glad i didnt. because these pple treat me like a fool. i delivered the ang pow to clementi the night before and sent her my blessing. the least tt they all can do, is to inform me that my seat has been replaced. its basic manners no? its never abt the money. its abt the respect they have for me as someone who treated them as friends.

whats there to inform? u'd ask. well apparently because the invitation card was attentioned to ME. and technically speaking, that seat was supposed to be mine, not as his gf. so i shd be responsible for it. and for 5 yrs he have known me, he didnt think i will be zi dong enough to give the ang pow to cover tt seat? the only reason i can think of is, he just wanted to bring the new girl and tell everyone he have move on. and he did a good job.

as much as possible, i have taken all the blame and responsibility. be it in monetary terms or questioning from parents, relatives and friends. i apologise and felt guilty. but he have to accept that, a rship didnt fail because of one person.

he didnt like ben. well, alot of pple dont. but they are slowly changing their perception of him because they knew its all my happiness that matters. i don like joanne too, tts why she and miko were one of the first pple i deleted from my FB even BEFORE the breakup. but i didnt go ard telling his friend i am so pissed cos he is dating someone i dont like, right? tts because i know he has moved on, so i leave him alone cos its already none of my business.

for 5 yrs we dated, i just wanted to end things ambicably. when i couldnt cope, he left me to drown. now when i m happier, hes pissed off. just because tt person is not someone he like. but i m supposed to move on, like he wanted me to!

i still have my reservations for ben, but even if it didnt work out w ben one day, i noe we tried and it isnt meant to be. and if he let me down again, D can just sit back at laugh at me for being so stupid rite?

i believe every broken rship make me learn smthing. from this, i learn tt, there is no unconditional love. it just takes this much to see one person. that one person who claims to love me and wants to marry me but he didnt even try to protect me.

i also know who are my true friends. and who i don ever need to be bothered w anymore.

**

right now, i just enjoy doing alot of things w ben. simple things like watching tv, cooking for each other, playing monopoly, daidee, bus rides, food hunt, clubbing & dancing, ktv, wcp etc etc. sure, he cant give me financial security, he doesnt have permanent access to car, we have to go dutch sometimes when we ear. but we enjoy eating at hawker centres & taking public transport & even walking. .

i enjoyed gg overseas w him cos he plans everything and navigate while i just enjoy. imagine a 7 page map just for food. and even my friends had a good trip together.

i feel a brand new me. i do things that i nv like to do, nv tried and nv seen. i eat sashimi, i watch classic movie which he downloaded, i bring my laptop to his place to research for japan together, i eat bake beans, i like staying over, i go dinner w him n his aunt, i cook..

he feels like magic. and just everything i ever need now. =D

**

and so, i m just v disappointed in how things turn out. i never expect for everything to be normal. but, i just feel sad hw ugly things become.

whatever i say, whatever i do, wouldnt make any sense to him. because i noe he already have this potrayed image of me in his head.

but i noe wat i did was right (more sure now than ever) and i m glad i noe, there will be no regrets.

i really do feel they are compatible, because i think he will be happier w a tamed gf and a yes-girl. and i wish him all the best.