it almost feel like just another weekend. cny holidays are over before i knew it.
i have some work that i m supposed to do, but i am very reluctant.
so here i am on the net, trying find things to do according to how i feel
ended up reading some old wapp logs i have sent to my email.
3 months into the official rship.
feeling really emotional now. doesnt help that i misses him but hes bz w mj.
come to think of it, wtf is wrong w me.
when i first met him, i know what kinda lifestyle he leads.
to be fair, he changed for the better (less drunk,watches his drinking) whereas me, i m the one who changed my mindset since the beginning. :(
i tried to force my logic into him.
i was reading back at the convo we had. i was ok w him partying, staying out late. but nowadays, i just keep picking a fight like a emo bitch.
he used to be so sensitive to my feelings, that a short answer from me will trigger him to ask if i m ok. and he will say, "u know i am always worried if you are ok"
i pushed it to a pt where, hes no longer sensitive to my feelings, almost like, its expected that i will be upset abt the thing and he just keeps quiet abt it. run away and avoid confrontations.
wtf is wrong w me.
do i really expect change to keep coming from him?
most of the time, i m just concerned. too concern but refusing to believe that he chose wat he wants to do and no one can change that. but trying to incept my idea into his head just increase the friction between us.
so the magic qn now is, wat now?
i m so scared of making him upset. i can try, but it may backfire. stubborn me. i write everything on my face, happy, unhappy.
i hate any forms of friction between us, be it big big fight or cold war. nowadays theres a new pattern, that is going to sleep and not fight n next day just pretend nothing happened. i m not sure if that is a good idea, because i m worried abt bottled up resentment.
i m starting to wonder if he complains abt me to anyone, like he used to complain abt hi ex-es. and i am wondering if he starts to keep things from me cos its not beneficial for him.
am i still perfect in his eyes? m i still the girl he fell in love with after a good trip? one whos fun loving, happy and silly instead of a naggy, emo bitch.
i love this man. sometimes i look at him when hes not noticing, i want to tell him how i feel, but somehow everytime i just end up crying. i don wan to cry. i don wan to fight. i don want him to do things for me cos i said is right.
so, what now? can we go back to the honeymoon phase? Or am i just in denial that its already over. maybe its not. i need to find a way to get me out of this.
tis blackhole.
