lots of complicated feelings in my head.

i feel lonely.

today he have once again left the country w his friends.

i dont understand why do people bring friends on business trip.

shady.

especially after that time i knew they went to unclean place in vietnam.

although he said he didnt know during the first time.

but its almost impossible that if the other two want to go and he say no, because i dont like.

One of his buddy told me his gf didnt make any noise about them travelling together. why would she?

she don even see him during weekends, or any other day.

and this wont be the last.

i just don like the idea that his buddy is disregarding my existence, obviously knowing that i dont like this.

fine, u are married and ur wife is ok w u travelling all the time.

but ben and i are still dating. are u trying to instill the thought that u don need to spend too much time with your partner? that u can fool around as long as u go home? fuck.

so that buddy of his say, why didnt u tell him that u don like it when he ask u.

i feel like telling him, thats not asking? asking is i can give a yes or no answer. but in this case, i cannot say no, because i m so aware of the consequences and backlash and the unhappiness that we will go through.

i just couldnt bear.

after all this time, i have figured that the only way for us to remain happy is first of all satisfy and fulfill his happiness. If, i stop him from doing things that he likes, just because i don like it, at the end of the day, i still wont be happy, because his mood will be so adverse, i just couldnt take it.

i dont dare to speak too much details to my girlfriends, like stella, i m afraid of discouragements. i already know that this is the man i wan to spend the rest of my life with, so if leaving is not an option, we gotta work something out. 


sometimes i feel like he understands my frustrations, sometimes i feel like he feels unjustified why cant he just do the things he want and hack care abt everyone. sometimes i think he wants to change. sometimes i think he think he is fine, why does he need to change. very hard to catch. 


if we review all the conversations we have after all the major fights that evolved from his drinking, u will see that pattern.


for example, the last fight before this recent one. he told me sincerely that he wants to change the way he lives, he wants to drink less and be on alcohol ban, etc etc just so that we can work towards a better future for us.


he even say, it cannot be like, if he ask if he can do something, i say no, he shdnt be angry at me but try to respect me cos he doesnt ever want to see me cry again.


words.


everything he said anything, i m hopeful. and i believe.

up till this very recent fight, although we have made up, i can sense that there is still this wall in between us since last saturday.

i m prob too sensitive, but i m not sure if he feels the tension too.

this time round when we made up, for the first time he didnt say nice things to me. reassure me that everything will be ok with his signature big grin. it was a soft and calm made up and he continue to say that he will change for the better for me in the most monotonous way. he kept emphasizing that its not true that he care less about me and i m less priority, but if i think so, he will change.

i know hes not happy.

i know he have changed for a lot better. and maybe its too much for me to ask.

but i cannot tolerate 5 nights a week that he spend at gin, and only one w me.

why am i always not the choice?

kailin say, boys need a lot of space. in order to understand them, we need to think like them. we cannot be needy because we are not a need, we are just a want.

i want to c u (him) vs i need to c u (me)

it all makes sense.

but its so sad, knowing that the love of ur life doesnt NEED u.

he always tell me, no baby, i need u so much, if only u know.

i dunno. and i guess i nv will, since u nv say and nv show.

thats why i always have the same question in my head when we are gg thru a rough patch.

- will he be happier if i leave?

if yes, i would.

just like 10 years ago.

if theres only one person that can be happy, i rather it be him.

these days i start to imagine our lives together in the future.

and i wonder will i forever be waiting for his door.

will i always be alone at home.

i guess i will nv know the answer.

and i shall not bother myself with things that i have no control of and cannot foresee.

i love him, so much, if only he remember

i dont ask for extravagance.

i just wan a normal rship. but i don want a normal rship.

whereby i can speak freely, throw princess tantrum without him throwing back at me 10 folds, ask to meet him without having to wonder if i have intruded his plans...

whereby he will tink of me in the middle of the night and ask me to go supper w him. or a late night movie. or a late night coffee.

just like when we first started dating, he will ask me if i wan to watch movie w him and we will meet in town and before movie we will go for drinks at no. 5.

whereby he will call me and ask how was my day.

just like that time he went for his RT, i was at home waiting for him, he couldnt wait to come back home and he called me on his way back.

that was so sweet.

but i don wan a normal rship that goes thru the honeymoon - comfortable - tolerance etc. contradicting.

there are times i m afraid he doesnt mean it and is saying it just to please me.

i know its a v big problem of mine, afraid to trust. i do trust him, but i m afraid to.

i m afraid he will start keeping things from me and lie to me. i m afraid he is w me just because i m nice to him. just like how doink was nice to me, thats why we dragged for 5 years.

i don even know if these worries are justifiable.

he say i m always worrying too early.

and most of the time he is right, we will usually revert to the normal, sweet dating couple.

but when we are not at that stage, its simply unbearable. the cold. the non chalance.

i miss the days that he is still crazy about me.

but i guess no guy will be crazy abt a girl after they are in a rship for long enough...

i miss the days he told me i gave his late nights meaning.

i miss the me last time. bubbly, playful, cool.

don like the emo, sensitive, distrusting me.

maybe thats why hes different.

maybe this is not what he have signed up for.

or maybe hes not different at all.

maybe its just me.



shrug.