cried myself to sleep at 4..didnt slp well at all.
i keep having waking dreams. i keep checking my phone.
i even dreamt that, he called me at 10am this morning...
then to realise, its just a dream.
i wake up at 1. feeling still the pain in the chest. the fear of not knowing what will happen..
what was supposed to be the best birthday evar, turn out to be a nightmare.
i hate myself. like kailin say why cant i be smarter to pick a fight when hes sober. why cant i just wait.
i hate myself for not being able to keep my cool. i hate myself for begging him not to go.
if we cannot pass this ordeal, i only have myself to blame for ruining my own game.
at tt moment i just wish he could calm down and i could have told him that, i love and i trust him. its true. i merely wanted to tell him, i m not comfortable abt what i saw, can he take note. but he refused to listen to me and left. i didnt have a chance to explain, which is what always happen, he wouldnt let me speak when hes angry.
maybe its because i share my random tots w him every now and then, he feels tt i don have trust in him.
but when i share most of those random tots, they are usually funny tots that we can both laugh about.
yes, i always share w my friends that i know he is the one. but i m not 100% sure if it will work out, because i m afraid i will be suffocating him. he wont be happy. but i have never ever say i dont trust him.
my trust for him is so much that it keeps me going from day to day.
perhaps its just me. perhaps, i m just a pessimistic, emo, pathetic woman.
this is the first time that i am so afraid tt he is ready to let me go, after so much we have went through. so many things we have built. so many chances i gave him..
i will pray, because i will never be able to breathe without him. .
i love u baby. hold my hand again and tell tt to me again.
but i am not sure if my pride allows me to go back again..