CAnt get to sleep. Figured that i might want to spend some time surfing the web before i slp. Happened to see the blog of my fren's ex. He wrote an entry about how they met and wat happened between them. For some reason, i have a weird feeling in me. I read the whole entry, and its so interesting that i can imagine the every single thing he wrote, its as if its part of my life.. then to realise i feel this way cos it was with my friend at that exact period and it was the exact same period when i was with a guy.
e guy that broke my heart.
i guess me and this friend of mine went thru it together.. memories flooded at the back of my head. tts why i can relate it to every single detail. Millenium swing. "from the bottom of my broken heart", CS etc etc..
and it so happened that e lead character of my life story asked me out today...sigh...
i dont like to deny.. and i dont think i am.. i know there is no more feeling towards him.. but i just cant help.. thinking abt the past.. its just like an illness.. once in a while u will feel the lingering pain... the pain that doesnt goes away and nothign can make it goes away.. the pain that is always so painful.. the pain that is caused by a deep wound caused by the sharpest knife.. it gets better .. but will never ever fully recover..
i couldnt forget.. despite how he treated me.. i tried to live my life.. forget my past.. i tried..however i see images of the past from time to time.. my secondary school days.. i guess it was becos i was too innocent and vulnerable..and e blow was just too big.. that was my happiest yet the most heart-breaking period of my life....
We knew each other through internet chats. hes one year older than me. in e same class as my band senior. Hes the first guy i chatetd with after i got my internet access. Guy99 was his nick. i acknowledged him as my "kor" v soon since we clique.
he was a confidante and i just love to tok to him. din know how he looked like through chats. If only we didnt met. Through my friends, i finally knew who he is. Hes tall and always looked so cool in a sense that he is often alone and always seems to be in deep tots. However, we seldom exchange conversations in school, cos i was shy. Exchange a few hi and byes and the first time we really tok i remember was in the canteen and he was flirting with 2 girls from his class. I rcv a first gift from him - a bkmark.
We got together very unexpectedly. I remember its becos of e ex of my friend made me so angry that i poured my woes to him. That v next day we went out and that very next day we were together. It was just few days before my birthday.
The first person i told was mery followed by stella. then all my friends started to know.
Soon, i heard rumours about him liking not 1 but 2 of my friends. I chose to trust him.
ON out very first new yr eve, we went to millenium swing together with some of my friends.
On our first v day together. He bought me a v big pikachu and left it in my class.
I was pretty sure we shared the same deep feelings about each other. we meet up at school hall during recess time, went to world trade to look at the sea, he waited for me to finish band practice,i accompany him to lan shop after school, we took long bus ride back home, we went bowling together, we went arcade together.
He was the guy i swore i want to marry. So did he.
Things was good for quite awhile. Until a lot of things happen between us. Rumours about him, his problems, my friend's disapproval etc gradually pulls us apart. and we left each other for our very first time.
We got back together some time later as we missed each other so much. I tot things were good. Until i found out the truth. Those things he did behind my back. The first Betrayal. Yet, i chose to stay with him.
For the 2 and a half years, we broke and we patched. I even closed one eyes while he dates other girls behind my back. Or i am willing to be the one with no status, the 3rd party. I stayed with him, hoping that if ever one day he would settle down, things will be fine. Never expect thigns to get worst the very 2nd year.. after my 2nd birthday with him..we were on the rocks back then..i begged him not to leave.. but all he said was " i cant control it.. when its finsihed, its finsihed"..few days later, he left me..
We got back together unofficially again. but he was hafing a gf..i waited.. and waited.. nothign seems to change..
I did disappearance.. I stopped eating for days.. i cried myself to sleep.. i ran away frm home.. he knew nothing about all these..my close friends were there for me to stride over this crisis.. they did everything to help..
until a faithful day.. i finally made up my mind and decided to leave him for good..for one yr.. i live my own life.. until the day after my birthday.. i heard from him again... .. i shall not go on writing about this..
Its been another 2 and a half yr..i spend this 2 and a half yr grieiving over this relationship. ON the surface, i seems to have pulled myself together.. however, deep in me.. i still couldnt get over it......
why am i writing about this.........................................................
**I dont blame anyone.. nor do i hate him.. fate brought us together.. e incident makes me more sensible.. and makes me grow up.. i still miss him though.. =) just plain miss-ing him.
Anyway..if u asked.. NO i did not regret..i still believed in e love we sharED. and the guy that ever cried hard for me.
